if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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