I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
