You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
