Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
