Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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