I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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