3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
