I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
