You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
