I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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