Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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