I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
