Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
