Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
