I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
