just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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