I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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