hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
