I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
