i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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