yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
