she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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