I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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