I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
