Please, let me fuck your mom
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize