yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
