I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize