if you like me you must not know who I am
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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