Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I am midnight drunk by noon
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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