someone threw a dead crab at me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize