Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
