I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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