i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
