...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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