Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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