I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize