I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
