the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
