he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize