There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
