He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
