Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
