I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
