Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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