There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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