You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
