One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
