I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
