Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
