Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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