If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
