Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
