He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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