Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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