He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
