did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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