Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize