I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How's work?
Spinning.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
