Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
