I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
