I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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