So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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